Let them eat more cake?

Conservative Party Policy Committee

In a daring move the Tories have appointed Marie Antoinette to lead the government's new policies on children's health. Antoinette, ex-Queen of France and dead for over 200 years, is seen as a surprise choice by many to lead on the implementation of the much vaunted 'Big Society' but Sir Spalding Bombast, Tory elder-statesman and Chairman of the 'Committee to Re-introduce Serfdom' commented, "We're very lucky to get her. I have met her and I am pleased to say the she utterly out of touch. Her lack of any experience in the real world and her complete belief in the 'divine-right' to rule means she is perfectly qualified to lead on Tory policy.

Although shaken by the recent student riots, her influence was felt immediately at the Tory HQ, Millbank, by her decision to install her lover, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen in her offices and by implementing radical reforms on child health policies. First to face the guillotine is the £162 million School Sports Partnership Funding which is to be replaced with a kick-about in the park on Sunday morning and a proposal that X-Factor be on TV more often. Working for free and giving up your time is no longer enough in Antoinette's version of the 'Big Society'. From now on the network of 200,000 volunteers that the SSPF created and supported will be forced to pay for all the equipment and transport costs if they want the activities to continue.

International athlete Ronald McDonald

Since 2005, when the funding was introduced, the number of children doing more than two hours of sport a week has risen from about 25% to more than 90% and one million more children are now playing competitive sport than in 1997. However, in the Commons, Antoinette's courtiers, Old Etonian, David Cameron and the Comte de Unctuous, Michael Gove, were on the attack. Cameron highlighted the numbers participating in the Eton wall-game, real tennis and beagling had actually declined during this period. He made it perfectly clear that he was not prepared to stand by and continue a successful initiative implemented under Labour. Meanwhile Gove promised the nation a return to tradition Tory values "emphasising competitive team sports". He promised that "every child will get the physical education they deserve." Given the Tories previous record on selling off school playing fields - 5000 between 1981 and 1997 - can we assume that we'll see a rise in tiddlywinks in the state sector?

The genius and 'joined-up thinking' of Antoinette's influence, however, can be seen by her decision to allow Pepsi, KFC and McDonalds to decide government health policy. One in five children start their school life overweight or obese and for the first time Marks and Spencer has launched a range of out-sized schoolwear to cater for them. Such children face an increased risk of health problems such as type 2 diabetes, cancer, heart disease, joint and foot problems, as well as psychological problems. In the circumstances it is a natural choice to get these highly respectable companies who caused the problem to tell us how to solve the problem.

Smoking is good for you

The cuts in sport for schools and the input of fast-food on health can mean only one thing. In these austere times we are all living too long and costing the state far too much as we grow old. The logical conclusion is that a large proportion of us should die younger. Perhaps only Antoinette - with a complete indifference to the quality of her subject's lives would have the insight and political bravery to push forward such bold proposals. There is a level of spin of which even Alastair Campbell would be proud. When the Tories say 'Big Society' - what they really mean is a much smaller one.

Thank goodness we have a Prime Minister, who like King Herod, does not mind another slaughter of the innocents.